


I can't say that

by goldenskykid



Category: BDC | Boys Da Capo (Band), Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Character Death, Eunsang is a soft human, Gen, Human/Vampire Relationship, HwangKeum should rise, HwangKeum will appear in Chapter 2, Keumdong is a grim reaper :DDD, Loneliness, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Sihun is a vampire, Tbh I really miss sihun/eunsang interaction, Yet he fell in love with Yunseong, Yunseong is a human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 08:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21600328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenskykid/pseuds/goldenskykid
Summary: “Don’t leave me” what’s so hard about that?“Don’t forget me” I couldn’t say itJust those few words, like a foolI couldn’t tell you how I really feltSo I feel so small againAgainEven if I go back on this roadNothing will change between us+×+Kim Sihun lived a life of 200 years, the feeling of emptiness corrupting his own emotionsThat is, until Lee Eunsang entered his life.Loosely based on the M/V of "I can't say that" by Kim NayoungCross posted in Asianfanfics
Relationships: Hwang Yunseong/Keum Donghyun, Kim Sihun/Lee Eunsang
Kudos: 7





	1. I close my eyes but I still feel it, The reason I turned away from your heart and came here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi~ new story in the house hehehe
> 
> I really miss Sihun and Eunsang interaction ever since Sihun was eliminated from Produce X 101
> 
> But still glad he debuted with Junghwan and Seongjun
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this like I enjoy writing this :DDD

Empty

Huh, not surprised that the feeling of emptiness was devouring my chest.

These thoughts would always invade my mind as soon as I woke up from my slumber, if that is even possible. The feeling of nothingness would always feel suffocating, as if it was a wall beside me coming closer and closer every nanosecond passed. My chest felt empty, the inside feeling like that a hollow space being there the whole time.

I held my chest as soon as I sat up from my bed, trying to feel something as if it can ward off the emptiness consuming. Changing angles I even tried, yet I still felt the hollow space inside. Nothing, even a beat of a heart, can be felt even if I tried feeling it.

I ruffled my hair in frustration, shaking my head violently afterwards. A vampire's life, as people thought, was easy because of the said creature feeding on erythrocytes, or blood in other words. But in truth, nothing felt easy nor simple, the hollow space in the chest felt like a bullet hitting me, as if telling me the painful truth that I am in.

I have seen people evolve and change as I live my 200 years, seeing some of them growing up and socializing to each other. I would always cover myself, out of the sunlight as it can burn my skin, and isolate in the darkest corner in town. Envy and jealousy, two dangerous sins that man has ever committed, would always invade my thoughts and eyes, causing the irises of my eyes turning red.

Heartbreak, war, and friendship, these three I would always observe in the 200 years of my life. Death, no one can escape from yet they wanted to evade it. Foolishly seeking ways in order to live an immortal life, yet in the end have they died in vain.

I slowly got off my bed as I felt hunger devouring my thoughts, the fangs sharpening as the scent of the erythrocytes came across to my nostrils. I opened the fridge and grabbed one pack of the said substance, ripping it open like a piece of paper in my hands. Inhaling the sweet scent I did before gulping it down like water in my hands.

'5:50 P.M' though I after glancing on the wall clock present near the fridge. I threw the now emptied pack on the trash bin that contained nothing but emptied packs. I slowly walked towards the bathroom, brushing my teeth for preparation to go out in the evening. 

My routine ran like this every time I woke up from my deep slumber. Feeling like a human was a desire of mine, but I can't after having a vampire's flawed body and function. The emptiness in my chest only added fuel on the flame, increasing desire of being alive even more. 

It's not the lack of heartbeat did this emptiness was caused, but rather the loneliness that was eating me away as a year was added to my life. I've seen my family die, my friends taking their own life, my relatives suffering from diseases, yet I am here alive and immortal. With the people I knew had already passed, I have no one left. 

\+ × +

I tightly held the jacket covering my figure, trying to feel just a little warmth but to no avail. A vampire's lack of body heat due to being an undead being might be the worst that I can have, the feeling of coldness spreading through every part of the body added the emptiness inside me. I let out a deep frustrated sigh as my feet kept dragging me to nowhere, it felt like my body knew where to go but my mind wasn't

A smile crept on my face as soon as a bench caught my eyes, all those empty feelings being pushed back all of a sudden. My eyes then averted to a sitting figure on the bench, my eyebrows furrowing being that no human would sit down on that bench everytime my visit came. Nevertheless, my feet still dragged me towards the said place, albeit the feeling of awkwardness and nervousness spreading through every part of my body. 

I let out a breath of air that I faintly noticed holding it as the distance between the bench and I, slowly walking as nervousness kept my body stiff as if I was a dead body. Sitting down the bench I did, the distance between me and the human a little near yet far for being comfortable. I looked up to the night sky, the moon shining above like a light. 

"It's a beautiful night, don't you agree," the human beside me suddenly blurted out. Noticing that us two were the only citizen left in the area, I hummed in response to his statement. The human only chuckled, me taken aback at such response.

My peripheral vision in use, I was able to make out the human being's face. Dark reddish hair, eyes not so small nor big, skin looking like milky, his face showing no flaws nor errors found. The human's gaze averted from the moon towards me, which prompted my eyes to stare at the moon as if it was an interesting sight to look at. 

"You know, even if I have blood flowing through the courses of my body, a vampire's gaze will never be left unnoticed," the human said to me. My head whipped towards the said human, taken aback at his statement. The human only chuckled at me, the voice sending heat on my cheeks as embarrassment slowly consumed me. 

"How did you know I am a vampire?" I asked in complete absent mind, my irises flashing a bright pink color. The human only chuckled again, looking back at the moon did I as embarrassment flooded my emotions. The human did as well, smiling like a fool titular humans are known. 

Silence then hovered among the two of us, it's as if a passing wind can be heard and the sound of crickets ringing on our eyes. The deafening quietness covering us were not uncomfortable, but rather the awkwardness instead was formed. Just until the thought of no response would be made, the human then spoke again. 

"Rumors stated that a boy looking like a 20 year old would sit by this bench every night, looking at the shining moon above the sky," the human spoke out. 

"It was only a coincidence that I'm here, this actually is my comfort place. But I'm surprised that you came here, let alone deny that you're a vampire," he continued. A deep shade of red flowed through the cheeks of my face as realization shot me, averting my gaze away from the moon towards the distance of the area. A chuckle can be heard behind, which only prompted the heated cheeks to redden even more and the irises of my eyes showing a deep shade of pink. 

"What's your name?" the human asked me. If I have a heart, it may have been beating hard as if nervousness and excitement were overcoming my body. I slowly turned around, trying to face the human beside me. 

"K-Kim Sihun," stuttered I, mentally cursing myself for stuttering. The human only chuckled at me, muttering 'cute' at me that prompted my cheeks to heat up. My heart would have exploded from sheer embarrassment, the emptiness in my chest suddenly dissipated as if it was just a passing wind. 

"I'm Lee Eunsang, nice to meet you," extending his hand the human did, a smile pasted on his flawless face. I returned his smile as I extended my hand, holding his stiffly as we shaked hands to each other. As the both of us pulled back, the human stood up, looking at the moon before averting his gaze back to me. 

"Well, I'll be going first since I have a job to do. Tomorrow I'll be free as ever as I can," the human, who should call I Eunsang, said to me. I only smiled, not the awkward one nor the stiffly one, but rather the genuine smile that can sure rival the most honest. 

"If you're asking that I'll be back here tomorrow night, you know the answer," the hum- Eunsang only responded with a smile as he waved at me, signaling that he will be leaving. I waved back in response, the smile in my face never leaving. I looked at his back that was slowly growing smaller and smaller, until pure nothingness was then seen. 

I leaned on the bench as I let out a sigh, not the frustrated nor the tired one, but rather a habit of mine after a coversation with a human. The moon shining towards me became more comfortable, unlike those past nights where the moonlight would rather produce more negativity to the thoughts in my mind. Tonight though, the hollow space of nothingness that seemed to overcome in my chest was swept away like a river flowing violently.

All because of that human, Lee Eunsang.

1 × 1 = 1

"You're here," I uttered as I saw the huma- Eunsang approaching the bench, giving him a smile as a form of respect. Eunsang returned the smile, to which it unexpectedly sent my cheeks burning red. Turning away as fast as I can did I, the other only reacting with laughter as we both sat on the bench at the same time.

The spaces between the two of us were gone, nothing not even a little space existed. Despite being strangers out of nowhere, this human gave no harm or danger, only comfort and peace. The two us looked up at the moon lighting the sky, wrapping ourselves with comfortable silence.

"I really thought you will not come back," the two of us claimed at the same time. We looked at each other's eyes, no awkwardness that filled the atmosphere but only a comfortable ambiance. It felt like this moment already happened before, like the feeling of deja vu hitting us like a falling brick.

The two of us only smiled at each other, feeling the irises of my eyes changing from pink to standard yellow. Averted our gazes back to the moon we did, the smiles never leaving our faces as if we were satisfied just by being with each other. The hollow spaces that can be felt on my chest were eliminated, feeling like a functioning adult that was alive and well.

Slowly like a fire burning, my head leaned on his broad shoulders but the gaze still on the moon. I felt the human froze at his spot, his body becoming rock hard but later deflated and welcomed the sudden skinship. A smile crept on the huma- Eunsang's face as I glanced on him. 

In moments like this wished I that my body was alive.

In moments like this wished I that the hollow spaces in my chest would dissipate.

But when I'm beside him, it's enough for me.

Enough to feel alive and human.

1 × 1 = 1

"Congratulations on getting your master's degree," I complimented on the beaming human beside me. Eunsang's smile became more wider, if that was possible, as he heard the compliment of mine. He reached out and held both my hands, the action was I taken aback.

"Well, you were beside me in every troubles and trials, words can't describe how thankful am I to you," Eunsang, who I suprisingly called in my mind, claimed, with a tint of red present on his cheeks. I reached out my hand and pinched his right cheek, whispered a monotonous 'cute' towards the other. Eunsang only responded with a shy smile, the tint of red on his cheek getting darker either out of embarrassment or from the pinching, it would be possible to the first one. 

Every night, me and Eunsang would spend watching the moonlight on this designated bench. The empty feeling had finally dissipated visit after visit, as if it was just a small downpour that will trickle down and pass. Everytime I would lean against his shoulder, he would wrap an arm around my waist, the skinship feeling like a normal habit of ours. 

The huma- Eunsang has been through thick and thin, spending his nights here winding off and release the stress he had in a day. Ranting about university projects and schoolwork the human did, often crying out his frustrations in my arms with I trying my best to comfort him in any way possible. When the end came, he would be out now with a smile on his face.

"Don't be absurd, Eunsang. You being here is enough for even a million debt," said I to the other. Eunsang only flashed a smile to me, and I returned it with a little yet greatful smile, being present the eye smiles. Patted his shoulder did I, gesturing him to look at the moon above us.

As we gazed at the moon above us, I leaned my head on the human's shoulder as the memories from the past days were playing in my mind. Who knew that a so-called thing called a moon could bring nostalgia to you. Ever since a man named Lee Eunsang entered in this empty, lonely life of mine, it transitioned faster than expected. 

Lee Eunsang stood up, grabbing my hand as he dragged me towards the field in front of us. A smile plastered on his face as he did so, with that contagious smile letting myself creep a smile on my face as well. In the middle of the field we halted, gazing to each other's eyes and smiles. 

"Come on, let's play around like little kids. Forget that 200 years of life you have lived, as now we may enjoy this moment," Lee Eunsang smiled as he said, that contagious smile still pasted on his face. Nodding my head I did, flashing him a smile that won't probably reveal the fangs that am I ashamed. Lee Eunsang started running, me following him after. 

All night was spent with us playing in the field, laughter echoing around the empty surrounding being shone by the moonlight above us. Smiles never leaving our faces when we played, feeling like the youth we are back in the days. With each passing time spent we, wishing I that this day will not end even with just an inch of a move. 

Seeing Lee Eunsang's viral smile and the sparkly eyes full of euphoric-like emotions, the hollowness inside my chest had completely dissipated like a mothball. The smile that helped me remember who am I, giving me a reason to live on and feel human again despite being dead. That contagious smile that gave me hope that somehow, people like me won't be forever alone isolated inside a room nowhere be found. 

"Watch out, Eunsa – Ah!" I before can warn Lee Eunsang to his impending fall, it seemed that he brought me along to his doom. Both we fell on the hard ground, laughing us two at our own clumsiness and mistakes. The laughter died down moments later, prompting us to look back at the moon above us, still present in our faces a smile. 

Lee Eunsang moved himself closer to me, his arms slowly circling around my waist as he leaned his head on my chest. Stroking his bright red hair did I, the gazes of us both still pasted on the bright moon looking down at us. 

In moments like this wished I to be human. 

In moments like this wished I the day to freeze. 

Just so that I, Kim Sihun, would spend with the human, Lee Eunsang. 

But I can't, because of this cursed body that I was given. 

But thankful am I that I met the other human. 

The human that made me feel like one, a living human with a beating heart.


	2. I couldn’t say a single word and I had my back turned, And I resented myself more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t leave me” what’s so hard about that?
> 
> “Don’t forget me” I couldn’t say it
> 
> Just those few words, to your back that’s turned
> 
> I couldn’t tell you how I really felt
> 
> So I feel so small again
> 
> Again like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for updating late :<<<
> 
> School was a lot more stressful than I thought 
> 
> Anyway, I only expected this to be not too long nor too short type 
> 
> But nope, it had to be super long
> 
> I mean super long
> 
> Anway, I hope you enjoy this last chapter :>

"You broke up with her?" exclaimed to the now black haired human beside me, who seemed to only shrugged at my question to him. Pursing my lips did I, shooking my head as to show disagreement to his response. Started to think I that the human had a reason for the inevitable news of a break up, if a stupid reason were to be given the blood of Lee Eunsang would probably be a goner by now. 

"She never really loved me," claimed Eunsang, playing with the fabric of his hoodie.

"All she wanted was my money and things, last night was the final straw for me, as she threatened to kill my family if I don't give her money," continued Eunsang, face of his transforming from a stoic expression to a pained one. The strong gaze and expression gave I to him softened, the sudden rage dissipating as if a fire was being poured by water. The image of Lee Eunsang at the moment looked like a fragile glass, with just a simple touch will it lead to it becoming broken into pieces. 

Wrapping my arms around his waist did I, pulling him towards my body cold as ice but rather still gave off a comforting warmth. I rubbed soothing circles on his back, doing it can just calm the human beside me that looked like it might burst into tears any moment. Lee Eunsang only responded with burying his head on my shoulder, with I patting his hair and stroking it like he's a clingy little kid. 

"It's okay, Eunsang. You deserve better," claimed I only. Lee Eunsang only responded with a nod, burying his face on my shoulder and my grip on him only getting tighter like a knot on a shoe. Wetness began to form on my shirt as Eunsang slowly lets out a sob, from the softness of the intensity turning towards a harsh broken sound like a person losing a loved one. Panic started to form inside of me, knowing not how to handle moments like the now he was in.

Rubbing his back on a soothing manner did I, albeit a little awkward did I even know what to do in moments like these. Whispering sweet nonsense also did I, the mouth of mine spitting out words of comfort to the human. Pulling the human closer to my cold body decided I in hesitation, but the thoughts were removed immediately as memories from the past meet-ups ran through my head like a broken cassette tape.

Seconds turned to minutes had already passed, sobs that were emitted from Lee Eunsang's mouth became hiccups, red and puffy eyes to be seen on his innocent, childlike face. The face of a human with an innocence of a toddler, who looked like he was still a growing child, the sight of the human looking broken and sorrowful made my dead heart ache. Even as a dark immortal creature, I may have a dead heart but that didn't stop I on becoming a normal human being. 

Lee Eunsang looked up at I, wiping the tears falling on his eyes did I. Lee Eunsang and I gazed at each other's eyes, his red and puffy ones reflecting on my interchanging eyes. Kissed his forehead did I, as if giving him reassurance and comfort through that action. 

"Eunsang, please stop crying. Don't you worry when that girl left you, for other people would be by your side. Those people would give the love that that girl failed to do so," said I to Eunsang in a soft, soothing voice that can send a toddler to total dreamland. Lee Eunsang's eyes began to water as the words processed to his head, his lips quivering as a sob escaped through his mouth. Comforted him did I, whispering soothing words to his ear and rubbing his back in a comforting manner. 

"Also, you have me as well. I would do anything for you, heck even if you commanded me to travel to the moon, I would do so," Eunsang chuckled as those words escaped through my mouth. A smile slowly formed to his mouth, sighing in relief did I internally as I succeeded in making Eunsang smile. 

"Stop crying now, Eunsang. I'll always be here for you. Today, tomorrow, and always, till death tear us apart," said I to Eunsang. A full smile appeared on Lee Eunsang's face, his face that showed sorrow and despair had been replaced with bliss and hope. Smiling to him did I, happy that I made Lee Eunsang feel happiness and calmness at his times of struggles and frustrations. 

Lee Eunsang slowly laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling like a little kid he is whilst being a full grown adult. Laughing at him responded I, shaking my head in fondness as I gazed at him with a smile present on my face. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders did I, looking up at the moon above us shining the dark sky along with the little stars twinkling. 

It doesn't matter if I were a human or not. 

It doesn't matter if I am a monster, a monster that could harm others.

It doesn't matter if... whether am I a vampire or not. 

Lee Eunsang is right beside me, just him is enough for me.

I don't care if I mentioned it more than once. 

As the gratitude I have for the human is greater than being in this world. 

1 × 1 = 1

"You are in your mid 50's, yet you have no partner for life," facepalmed I to the human who sat beside me. Lee Eunsang only flashed a grin towards I, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. 

"Well, it is my decision not to have marriage with a woman," Lee Eunsang defended, his lips beginning to form a pout. Shaking my head did I, chuckling at the middle aged human beside me. Lee Eunsang may have been living on the age of full adulthood, yet the human would act like a child in kindergarten. 

"How can you manage yourself, when you are alone?" asked I in concern. Lee Eunsang shook his head, lips forming a reassuring smile towards me. Gazing at the human decided I, unsure at the human's capabilities in surviving by himself. 

"I live with my brother's, basically I was made a babysitter for his children. Nevertheless, it is still fine," claimed Lee Eunsang, his gaze averting towards the moon shining above us. Breathing a sigh of relief did I, the worry did my mind had dissipated within seconds. Lee Eunsang only chuckled at me, smile pasted on his face and happiness radiating from his body. 

The rest of the night was spent with Lee Eunsang retelling the events that passed today. His eyes that showed pure passion and determination when the human mentioned work, fondness and protectiveness screaming when he mentioned his brother's children, and hope whispering when he mentioned his future plans. Everything that Lee Eunsang achieved and worked would always make me a proud friend of his, seeing him a successful person had almost made a tear escape from my eyes. 

Moments after Lee Eunsang finished his almost 45-minute storytelling, silence consumed the two of us. The silence that isn't awkward nor tense, rather it was silence that is comfortable and calm. Gazes of us both stuck on the moon above us, which seemed to be beaming at us along with the stars twinkling about.

"Eunsang," called I out of the blue. The mentioned human looked at I, his eyes expectant yet confused at the same moment. Taking a deep breath did I, regaining my posture before talking back to him. 

"I just want you to know that whatever happens to you, any kind of events that you will encounter, I will always be here for you. I will be right by your side, your shoulder to lean on when needed. I will do anything for you, and will stay with you till death tear us apart," spoke I to him, gazing at him with a serious look. Lee Eunsang smiled, not the usual smile he would give me because of euphoria, but rather a genuine smile different from the feeling of euphoria. A genuine smile, too genuine that it cannot be explained in an easy pattern. 

"Thank you, Sihun-hyung," responded Eunsang, smile never escaping his face. Smiling back at him did I, us both sharing the genuine smile and feeling at the moment. 

Lee Eunsang scooted closer to I, his arms wrapping around my waist. The human attacked me with a hug, a hug that represented words of gratitude and contentment. Despite the lack of words spurting out of the human's mouth, the body language and skinship spoke louder than a thousand of people in a crowd. 

Returning back the hug did I, inhaling the sweet scent of Lee Eunsang. The sweet scent that gave comfort and reassurance, a scent that can even rival words and actions. Without noticing, a tear had finally escaped my eyes, a single tear that turned into rainfalls moments after. 

Thankful am I that a person like Lee Eunsang existed

Thankful am I that I have someone beside me

Thankful am I not alone in this world

The tears falling were not out of sadness, sadness that Lee Eunsang has a short life

The tears falling were tears of gratitude, words thay were difficult to express

If I have to say, everything like this will not even happen without Lee Eunsang in this world. 

1 × 1 = 1

Gray hair, that caught my eyes as I arrived at the bench. The black hair that was covering Lee Eunsang's head, were now covered in greyish white hair. Widened my eyes did I in shock, unexpected towards the human's appearance. 

From the past meetings we had, have I noticed about Lee Eunsang's gradual aging. The human's childlike innocence and purity were still on him, yet his body were slowly deteriorating as time went by. Cursing myself did I, regretting that I didn't paid attention to the time. 

The night we spent was all about Lee Eunsang's day, retelling about his nieces growing up into well-educated teenagers. The human also claimed he retired from his work weeks ago, as the age of retirement had been met. The way he retold his day was still the usual, the amusement and fondness that would never leave his system. 

The moment the human mentioned his retirement sent my body in shock, frozen like ice in the Antarctica. 

His time is almost up.

His time on leaving this world is ticking.

Realization shot me like bullet, the feeling of tightness consuming me. Restraining myself did I, trying to stay unaffected at the faster pace of time that humans were encountering. Trying to rid the negative thoughts also did I, staying my gaze and attention to the human beside me, who was beaming with happiness.

Trying to keep a smile for Lee Eunsang proved to be difficult, with a lump on my throat present as if I had swallowed a coin that cannot pass through my esophagus. Controlling my breathing normally did I effortlessly, mind not letting the negativity consume me. Human lives are short, unlike us creatures that are immortal and unable to die unless decapitated.

Human lives are short, these words would echo through my mind all night.

Albeit distractions, maintaining my posture did I perfectly, hiding all the worries that my mind of mine had been flowing.

The remaining days of Lee Eunsang would I spend fully, dedicating that the human would live till the end happily.

This night, did I spent it with happiness, no sadness, despair, any negative emotions were absent.

This night only had contentment, gratitude, and happiness, only them and always will be them.

Until the end of time, will it be them always.

1 × 1 = 1

"You're not Eunsang," hissed I as a stranger met my vision. The person looked at me with a shocked expression, before dissipating into a faint smile and looked back at the moon. Sighing heavily did I, slowly trudging my feet towards the bench. Looking at the moon shining above did I, a solemn mood engulfing us two.

"What brings you here, Keum Donghyun the grim reaper?" asked I directed to the person beside. Donghyun looked at I for a moment, sighing heavily afterwards and looked up at the moon. The grim reaper's face was filled with stress, yet the most noticeable was the emotion of sadness.

"I brought another soul towards the afterlife, but he was different," claimed Donghyun, tears slowly forming in his eyes.

"All the souls I brought would have regrets and sorrow in their hearts, yet this one didn't. The soul I brought, was euphoric. The soul explained that he may not have a perfect life, but it was worthwhile after spending the last of his breath with someone special to him," Donghyun added, tears slowly falling on his face.

"I don't know, Sihun. But this really hit me, as he died happily and was contented with his life," Donghyun stated, slowly standing up. His gaze was still restraint on the moon above, as if the celestial being were giving him nostalgia or memory flashback. Moments after, the grim reaper looked at me, his tear filled eyes looking at mine.

"Sihun, Yunseong happened to be like that. He didn't have a perfect life, but he was already contented with it, satisfied that he was already on this world. Sihun, human lives are really short, too short for my liking," Donghyun claimed, bowing at me to bid farewell.

"Sihun, I bid you farewell, see you soon," Donghyun bid as he slowly dissipated into thin smoke. Silence met my surroundings, too silent that a needle can be heard falling on the ground. Gazing on the thin smoke the grim reaper left, the cryptic message he stated in front of me sending my mind confused.

Unusual today was that Lee Eunsang was not here, sitting on the bench looking at the shining celestial being above. No smiles of Lee Eunsang, his laughter and his childlike innocence. Nothing on this bench has traces of Lee Eunsang.

Sighing heavily did I, a frown forming on my lips as disappointment slowly consumed my mind. Walking away slowly did I, thinking that Lee Eunsang might be busy on a hobby or work he was invested. Thinking about it only sent the frown on my lips deeper, disappointed emotion turning into sadness.

1 × 1 = 1

No reflection, first thing I saw as I held a mirror on my hands. Caressing my cheeks did I, as dread slowly consumed my mind with negativity joining the ride. Furrowing my eyebrows did I, the feeling of emptiness filling my chest as every minute has passed. 

Looking at my desk has a pack of blood left untouched, the appearance of the object being fresh and new. A drop of wetness was then I noticed as I averted my gaze away from the pack, the wetness looking fresh as well and newly made. The drop of wetness then appeared in a fast pace, looking like as if rain was present inside the room. 

Touching my cheeks have I noticed wetness, tracing it back to my eyes. Have I realized was I crying, non stop tears flowing. Memories from the past slowly ran through my mind, like the same old cassette tape being played. 

Lee Eunsang and I playing on the park. 

Lee Eunsang and I engaging skinship to each other. 

Lee Eunsang's pure and innocent smile. 

Lee Eunsang's sweet and soothing scent. 

Lee Eunsang's laughter. 

Everything in my mind was all about Lee Eunsang. The man that made me feel human, a living human with a beating heart. Moments after the flashbacks, realization immediately hit me like a falling brick from the sky. 

Keum Donghyun's statement from the park, the soul he brought to the afterlife sounded like Lee Eunsang. The words the grim reaper told me, kept running through my minds. 

"Someone special to him," blurted out I, tears falling on my cheeks as I said those words. Keum Donghyun's statement felt so familiar, familiar to the point that my mind would frantically find out who was the grim reaper referring. 

Looking back at the mirror saw I no reflection, just blankness. No face of mine shown, only showing the painful reality of me as a blood sucking monster. A monster that was destined to live for eternity. 

Unlike humans that can only live short. 

Lee Eunsang is a human, a human with a short life. A human who was contented with his life, no complaints but only gratitude. A human who is so lovable, nothing about him that can make you hate it. 

Tears that flowed slowly began to drop endlessly, realizing what the grim reaper meant.

Keum Donghyun brought Lee Eunsang to the afterlife, as the human's time has stop ticking.

Without myself noticing, I threw the mirrow I held across the room, breaking it into pieces. The desk I was in did I throw all the things away, my body cannot stop as emotions started to control my own actions. The tears falling became aggressively flowing, like a small downpour transitioning into heavy rain. 

Lee Eunsang died, the human that I have become fond had passed away. While me, Kim Sihun, was still alive, feeding on blood in order to survive and destined to live an immortal life. 

Emotions ranging from sadness, sorrow, anger started to show, with my anger causing my actions becoming aggressive. My bed that was formed well have all the pillows and sheets ripped off, the refrigerator full of packs of blood have fallen, the contents slowly flowing out. Everything around me was a mess, including myself have also become a mess. 

Looking at my hands did I, tears falling on them as the memories from the past came running back again. 

'Come on, let's play around like little kids. Forget that 200 years of life you have lived, as now we may enjoy this moment' 

'Well, you were beside me in every troubles and trials, words can't describe how thankful am I to you' 

'I'm Lee Eunsang, nice to meet you' 

'It was only a coincidence that I'm here, this actually is my comfort place. But I'm surprised that you came here, let alone deny that you're a vampire' 

'Thank you, Sihun-hyung' 

The last straw has been pulled, as the messy surrounding made I was given notice. The tears were endlessly falling, frantically looking around as emotions of mine had started to go out of control. 

Without thinking, I ran towards the curtains of the windows, aggressively pulling them downwards and pushing the windows open afterwards. Tables and chairs flying around as I threw and kicked them around, my body doing what my emotions were telling me.

Accepting reality is and always be hard for a 200 year old vampire like me. 

Collapsing on the bed did I, heavily sobbing on the pillow that was ripped apart aggressively earlier.

I cried, cried, and cried, never minding my surroundings. All my mind ran was about Eunsang, Eunsang, and only Eunsang. His smiles and laughters that were repeatedly echoing through my ears only made the sobbing grew harder, clutching on the pillow harshly.

Little did I notice the dark room of mine slowly lightening up, signaling sunrise had taken place. The once dark room that a small candle illuminating it, slowly like a snail has been illuminating by the day of light rising up. A stinging sensation felt on my hand, feeling like it was exposed to the day of light for moments of hours.

Closing my eyes slowly did I, the aftereffects of the breakdown had I finally taking part of this moment. The tears that were flowing never stopped, despite the eyelids of mine had become heavier every second passed. Drifting to dreamland did I soon my eyes had been closed, my mind becoming hazy and blur like a window exposed to the cold winter air.

The burning, stinging sensation had spread through my body, yet never reacted I to the painful feeling and sensation. Through that assumed I that the day of light had illuminated the whole room, burning the montrous and vampire body of mine. Albeit day of light can cause me my death, have I not cared what was happening to this monstrous body of mine.

All my mind screamed about was Lee Eunsang.

No other but the innocent, pure and lovable Lee Eunsang.

+×+

White light, had my eyes caught once opened I my eyes, groaning like having woken up in a 8 hour less of sleep. Squinting my eyes the action made I, the blurry vision of mine slowly becoming clearer like the blue sky the human world had. Right after adjusting my vision into proper one, have I noticed the surrounding am I in.

Dark, nothing but dark can be seen excluding the bright light from afar in my direction. As if being controlled by the instincts of mine, starting to walk towards the light the action made I, mind of mine nothing to comprehend excluding focusing on walking towards the bright light. The progress made I in a minute, the bright light looking like expanding as I neared to it.

The bright light had then consumed my whole vision, yet never flinching did I made. The light was not like the light from the human world, as it felt that the said bright light was a part of the vision of mine. Closing my eyes the action did I, my body feeling like it had been transported to a place had I knew nothing of. 

"Sihun-hyung?" said a voice not so far, yet felt so near. Opening my eyes in immediate response did I, the voice letting familiarity flow through my body. Squinting my eyes the action made I, my vision starting to transition from blurry to a more clearer look. 

Tears had fallen from my eyes once the owner of the said voice met my vision. The setting, which was a park filled with the beauty of nature, was very foreign for I, yet the person that met my vision was the someone have I known for a decades. The person that met my vision smiled softly, his arms opening wide that the body of mine can fit through. 

Running towards the person excitedly had I did, a big smile forming on my lips and the tears falling heavily on my cheeks. The person's eyes had also formed tears, tears that started falling on his cheeks yet a smile on his face pasted like glue. Approaching close distance had my heart racing faster, the beating sensation made I taken aback, but the person in front of I was more important than a beating heart for me. 

"Lee Eunsang!" exclaimed I as the distance between us were non-existent, attacking the other with a bone crushing hug. The attack sent us both to the ground, albeit a painful fall, it was not given care as us both were brimming with euphoria after physical contact. Burying my face on his face the action did I, letting out a loud sob as the person had I longed to see were holding me in his arms. 

Looking up at Lee Eunsang had I did, gazing at his eyes that had I longed to see. His appearance were the once the time we had first met, that awkward tension back then that dissipated by mere minutes. Wiping the tears that were falling from Lee Eunsang's cheeks the action made I, never minding the tears falling on mine. 

"I dislike interruptions very much especially at moments like this, but I apologize I have to," a voice from nearby had claimed. Us both looked at the owner of the voice, which belonged to the grim reaper Keum Donghyun. He was accompanied with a boy who I knew was named Hwang Yunseong, who was beside him and both interlocking hands. 

Us Lee Eunsang and I only grinned, with I slowly rising up from the uncomfortable position was I in. Helping Lee Eunsang standing up had I made, with the other smiling at I as I did so. Returning the smile to him did I made, the smile made I a genuine one. 

"It seemed that Kim Sihun had died a while back, as he was here now together with you, Lee Eunsang," Keum Donghyun spoke, looking at us with a smile. Both us two returned the smile, I looking at Lee Eunsang in the eyes afterwards. Grabbing his hands had I made, the touch did I sending familiarity and nostalgia to me. 

"But that doesn't matter for now, as the two of you have now reunited. Enjoy your stay here, for the times you will spend here will be eternal," stated the boy named Yunseong beside Keum Donghyun, looking at the other with a smile on his face. Smiling back at Yunseong Keum Donghyun did, the eyes of his sparkling with happiness and what I found to be love. Keum Donghyun leaned on the other, in which the latter had leaned back as well, capturing each other's lips as the pair shared a passionate kiss. 

"We will be taking our leave now. I have a date to catch on," the boy named Yunseong informed. Keum Donghyun pulled the boy towards his, the two slowly walking away from the scene. Lee Eunsang and I only smiled at the couple softly. 

"I am glad Yunseong is with his lover," claimed Eunsang, his body turning in order to face mine. Turning my body had I also did, with us two looking at each other now. 

"You know Yunseong?" asked I to the other. Eunsang only nodded before speaking again. 

"I may have explored the afterlife when the grim reaper have left me here," confessed Eunsang, a sheepish smile forming on his face. Grinning at his reply the action made I, the Eunsang I have known was the same Eunsang back in the human world. Grabbing his hands had I did, looking at his eyes that were sparkling with delight and blithe. 

"Should we go?" asked I to the other, raising the interlocked hands of us both. Lee Eunsang responded with a nod, aura of contentment and euphoria radiating from the other. 

"After you, Sihun-hyung," stated Eunsang. Grinning from ear to ear had I did, excitement already brimming from I. 

Slowly the both of us walked away, hands interlocked and eyes gazing at each other. We may not be lovers like the other two, but being in each other's presence brought blithe for us two. 

Being with Lee Eunsang is enough for me. 

That is my only wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I have to be honest, I really cried writing this
> 
> Because when I write, I try to feel the emotion of the character, so that's why
> 
> Anyway, I hope you really enjoy this story and leave a comment and kudos if you can (want)


	3. I’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait I will bloom once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your hand that is growing far apart
> 
> I can’t hold onto it so it hurts
> 
> Just until I can survive, just as much as I hated you
> 
> When the spring comes to bring you back later on
> 
> Then I will bloom on that day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for not updating for nearly 20 days, as activites and stress had came
> 
> I also previously suffered from writer's block and I only had like hours ago that it healed
> 
> So, I hope you enjoy this bonus chapter and leave a comment or kudos if you can
> 
> Btw, this chapter is set at the afterlife, you will understand it later if you read it

"Are you okay with this?" asked I to the person beside me. Smiling at me sweetly had Eunsang did towards me, leaning on my shoulder as he did so. Smiling at him in return had I did towards him, leaning in and placed a gentle kiss on his head.

"What do you mean, Sihun-hyung?" responded Eunsang, a sheepish grin presented on his face. Intertwining our hands did I, lifting it up as if to give emphasis on my point.

"This. Are you sure you're okay with us being best friends?" asked I, uncertainty in my voice as I did so. Eunsang only gazed at the large lake in front of us, looking like as if contemplating a decision that could affect his entire life.

Engulfed by comfortable silence was what happened after that question, none of us two made even a sound except the birds chirping lively above the trees near us. The lake flowing as the soft wind brushed its way on the previously still water, the pigeons and ducks swimming on it in a comfortable pace.

Eunsang rose up from his previous position, his gaze from the lake averting towards me. The sweet smile have I know for many years pasting on his youthful face as he faced me, his sparkling eyes that displayed delight.

Leaning in towards my face did Eunsang, his lips touching the reddish cheeks of mine as he leaned in further. Freezing on my spot had I did, the action took place were too fast to comprehend this mind of mine.

Lee Eunsang only chuckled at me, the soft chuckle had I remembered from our first meeting. His eyes that would form like a smile as he chuckled, with me smiling back at the person as he did so.

"I am fine with being best friends actually. It is rather more comfortable than us being lovers," claimed Eunsang, rising up from the bench he sat from and the intertwined hands broken apart. Looking at me with a smile he did, the smile bigger than the one he gave previously.

"Anyway, if I have to be honest, the idea of our lips touching were uncomfortable, to say it. I think us doing skinship would be much the best," claimed Eunsang before releasing a chuckle. Chuckling back in response had I did, with us both surprisingly having the same idea.

Eunsang than reached out his hand, as if inviting me to join the other. Grabbing his hand the action did I, excitement rushing through the veins of my body.

"Join me as we play together, just like the days we had on Earth," stated Eunsang, his eyes sparkling with delight and glee. Nodding fast like a wind had I did, the smile on my face widening as the action made I so.

Eunsang began pulling me towards the lake visible in front of us, the laughter of us both erupting can only be heard. Pushing Eunsang to the water first the action made I as us both were at the lake's shore.

Eunsang only breathed out a laughter as he emerged from the water, almost euphoric in nature. Jumping in the water had I did, screaming as I did the action so.

The both of us played on the water, splashing all about and many others. The childish act made nostalgia ran through us like blood flowing through our veins, with me can't bother myself that tears ran through the cheeks of my face.

Eunsang swam closer towards me, his arms slowly wrapping around the torso of my body as he reached close proximity. Leaning on his shoulder had I did, letting out the tears that once flowed slowly turned fast like a lava flowing through a volcano's slope.

Pulling away had Eunsang did, us both gazing at each other's eyes as we did so. The eyes of Eunsang were glistening with tears as well, all the while the tears flowing a smile shone through it. 

Flashing each other a smile the action did we, seemingly satisfied with each other's presence. 

We don't care whether we are lovers or not. 

We don't care anymore. 

As all us both need were each other. 

Just in our side, hands intertwining, that's all we need. 

The warmth of each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I have to be honest, this feels rushed and all
> 
> But I have to admit, I enjoyed writing this and tried to convey the emotions in the best of my abilities
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy this and thank you for reading :DDD


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